This is the second time I did this one, i am surprised that both times how much was not said, I learned from the silence in my childhood and teenage years. Trying so hard to make sense of the silence and there was a lot of hate, judgement and nonacceptance. it is interesting and a place to start working. thanks again.
Thank goodness no none else is home because I have been crying and sobbing long after this meditation finished. Wow, definitely highlighted a different part of my shadow to what I thought it was going to be at the start. I saw myself as an infant being in awe of what was going on around me, and smiling. As a toddler, the image of having fallen down on the ground, laughing and knowing that I had the ability to get back up and try again. At primary school and high school, the feelings of rejection and being labelled as not being good enough and not fitting in began. The hurt and shame, and feeling as if I was getting smaller and wanting to hide. It was different in my mid-twenties, I was happy, independent, travelling, no responsibilities. In my thirties I had a family, young children to look after, a partner who I tried to please, and by my forties I was beginning to lose myself, every one else’s needs came first and I survived on what little energy was left. I took on the shame and the blame for my partner’s affairs, thinking it was all my fault. In this past year I then took on the responsibility of looking after my mum as she was dying and also the huge burden and shame of her hoarded house. From the meditation, the biggest moment that has helped me realize an aspect of my shadow, was when I swore and yelled at my dying mother over the phone, just two days before she died. She was asking me to go back to that dreaded house again to get items for other people, and I just lost it. The burden and responsibility of doing everything for everyone, still working at my job, and travelling every day to see her, and trying to clean her house, while I was sick myself, just became too much. I hated myself. What sort of person yells at their dying mother. I wasn’t the good person I thought I was. I realize now that I place so much responsibility on myself for being perfect and taking on other people’s problems and their responsibilities. I carry their burdens and shame as if they are my own and this seems to be reflected in my physical body, carrying way to much excess weight and having pain in my shoulders and neck, as if I’m carrying the weight of the world on them. That’s how I see myself, hidden under thick and heavy layers covering my head and shoulders and draped around the rest of my body, with me just peaking out from behind and underneath. I have forgiven myself for yelling at my mum but I do realize how much self love I need to give myself. This is my responsibility. I also realize that being a responsible human being is important but I only need to take responsibility for myself, and how I show up and interact in this world,
Again another powerful meditation. This whole direction has been amazing and cleansing for me. I have had so much releasing of old emotion that has been stored up in my body though I have worked through it so many years, perhaps emotionally and mentally, the cells and muscles that stored the trauma and negative emotion still needed some releasing. When young I had a hard time seeing myself free to explore and then as a toddler I realized that only when I was outside in nature alone did I truly feel free to explore and create and see what the world had to offer. My home was filled with abuse and entrapment and memories I have “exploring” often led to me being punished. I can see how my life was filled with the feeling of “unsafe” let alone being safe to be who I was. In my 20’s I didn’t realize that even then there was a part of me that still did not feel like I could be “myself” as I was coming to terms with who I had to be up to that point and not liking what I saw in the mirror. Even then I was already a single mother and did not have the luxury of being who I wanted to be as I had to be her mom first. I wanted to be a good mom first, and it took me a long time to see how I sacrificed myself to try and be better than what I knew growing up. In my late 20’s up to know I could see the shifting as I have grown and I am definitely not the same person I was, yet in going through this direction I have a new awareness that no matter the forgiveness there was still something there. A damage that was done to me as a child by my mother and my father and no forgiveness can take that away. Yet doing the meditation I could feel the hard lump in my solar plexus when seeing the moment my mother left me and drove off like I was nothing. But then the Archangel Michael stood in front of me and put a net through this area and I help him while tears streaming begin to grab the hot sludgy lump and pull it out of me. My mother was standing in the background looking ragged and angry and screaming and yelling like she didn’t want me to do it and this scared me a bit. Then it was out and sitting on this net while Michael held it and she screamed. I took a lighter and looked at her and looked at him and he said “you are a strong like a goddess, you can do this” and smiled and I looked at her and basically told her she didn’t get to do this to me anymore. She didn’t get to hurt me anymore and didn’t get to have this power over me anymore. So I lit it on fire! As it dissolved Jesus came and put a spark of a light flame in my solar plexus and then it lit my whole insides on fire kinda. He said “let’s burn away all the leftover sludge now”. And I felt a lump in my throat and started coughing and I knew this would help me with using my voice. To me Jesus in one of my symbols of ultimate compassion, unconditional love, and forgiveness and do not see his energy in a religious sense but an embodiment of what love unconditionally feels like (in my experiences working with him anyway). So then I could feel the lump going away and I felt lighter and the pain and lump in my solar plexus subsided. I could see my higher self and saw myself as a more trusting and open and compassionate person. This is very suiting as I have become more aware that over the last few years I have become a little more closed off and rigid. I went through a massive betrayal by those that I held most dear and it was the worst kind of heartbreak. I spiraled me to the darkest night I think I ever went through and it has had a toll on how trusting and open I am though I am working on opening back up with better boundaries. 😉
My goodness, I didn’t expect to be sobbing in the fetal position doing this meditation, but that’s exactly what happened. For me, shame, loneliness, rejection, a sense of being damaged or “not enough” were all things that I was keenly aware of, what I wasn’t as aware of was how much anger and rage I’ve suppressed. When people would tell me I was going to end up “an addict just like your Father” I’d try harder to perform – while denying how angry that made me feel. As we worked through the decades, by the time we got to my twenties, I simply had to lay over on my side and cry it out. My dog was so concerned he came over to nuzzle me and then decided that wasn’t working so he went and fetched his very favorite stuffed porcupine for me to hold. I noticed that he chose to sit on my right hand (masculine) side – and offer me his love and undivided attention. So many of my wounds stem from the masculine energy – but, here in this moment I was being offered unconditional love. I was grateful that at the end you had us feel the power being restored to these areas. I was able to sit up, wipe away the tears and open my eyes feeling like I had purged something that I didn’t even know had been festering.
I don’t have memories of early childhood, they all come from pictures. All I know is that I’ve pushed down my emotions for many, many years – especially anger/rage, justice, anxiety & those emotions that I had no words for – shame, sadness, grief & the critical, judgmental voices in the head – but I also learned to repress even the good emotions – joy, amazement, wonder, curiosity. Up through my 30s I had this internal light that burst through my eyes & body – everyone could see it – recently that has dimmed due to all the waves of disappointment in life that drown me & make me powerless, but the light is still there somewhere…. I’ve seen that in others & love being around them – non-judging awareness, curiosity & awe. I am powerful. I am curious. I am an abundantly powerful intuitive spirit healer. I am light. I am peace.
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