I sometimes wonder who I truly am, you know? And I am frightened that once people find out who I truly am, they will not like me and will shun me. I have done, in recent years, a lot of work around this. It has been, and continues to be, very scary. I have had to do a lot of self-forgiveness. I found out that I really crave to be special. I don’t know why, but I do think it stems back to my childhood, when being special was important to me. My mother told us we were nothing special, that none of us would stand out from a crowd. At the time, it added to my sense of invisibility, of not mattering. Now, I understand that in her own way she was trying to protect us from the pain of life. I am working on just being in the moment, and I don’t have to be special, or stand out, any more. More, I don’t really need to be invisible any more either.
I have done things I am deeply regret, I have hurt and disappointed people. I have left behind people with whom I felt uncomfortable, but who wanted a sold connection with me that I was unable to give. I have been left behind by people who I wanted a sold connection with but they were unable to give this to me. There are people out there for whom I am a large topic of their psychological sessions. I get that. I have asked for forgiveness. I hope, that at some level they are able to give it to me. I have still a ways to go to forgive myself completely. I think unconditional love is easier than forgiveness. I am doing course after course to try to feel better about myself. I am grateful for the insights and strengths I h ave gained from this course. The mentorship has been wonderful. Its insights, its enlightening. I still have a LONG way to go.